"In heaven, all the interesting people are missing."
I’ve been staring at this blank Word document for the better part of the past week. I keep typing something, staring at it, minimizing the screen, reopening it, erasing it, staring at the blankness, repeating ad nauseum.
I’ve updated my Facebook profile picture a few times, thought about changing my Twitter tagline, read some short and uninspiring articles. I have about 15 tabs open in Chrome at any given moment: the half-finished Peace Corps application, the Nietzsche lectures on YouTube, a half a dozen literary journal submission guidelines, a manual for the camera I have yet to use…and no real intention of doing anything with these things anytime soon.
Depression snuck up, and I’m having trouble writing through this block. But I have to. But I got nothing. But I wish I had something.
I just wanna get day drunk. I want to hang out with my friends. But I have to make new in-person friends. And I have to work this weekend. And I gotta watch the kiddoes tonight.
I’m so uninspired. And I know that it’s not about inspiration, but inspiration helps. I know it’s habit. I know it’s lifestyle. That’s what I’m building. I’m at that point where I would normally abandon a project. I want to walk away from the foundation and scaffolding I’ve built. I want to call it good enough. But it’s not. It’s not good enough. It’s just a cement block and some stairs to nowhere. But I want to call my life an empire.
I have to fight this. Push through the struggle. Stop walking away when I notice a slight strain in my muscles from even the minutest increase in incline.
I have to be more uncomfortable, because Depression is waiting in bed for me with its weighted blanket and mindless lack of energy. My mood swings from an encompassing nothingness to an overwhelming everything-ness.
I’m mixing all the metaphors.
I see a picture of my dead dog, and tear up in the middle of the coffeeshop. I ate an entire box of stale off-brand Oreos at 1:30 am as I watched The Office for what is quite literally the 37th time through. I think I showered two days ago. I’ll just put on a hat and call it good.
I’ve been giving Depression a piggy-back for the past week while wondering what’s been draining me. I got shit to do, people to meet, and horizons to reach.
But today I’m gonna drink some coffee, listen to some chill beats, have a chat with Depression, and then watch some TV.
Some days it takes fucking everything just to be. It's exhausting.
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© Alessandra Ragusin 2016-2020